Fucking stop it already.

You know what pisses me off? Like, royally?

Porn. You already knew this.

But my major beef lately is how much completely inaccurate information is being spread because of this preoccupation with porn.

What's so wrong with it, you ask?

It's unrealistic by and large. It has men thinking that women get off as soon as they're touched and/or penetrated. It has women thinking either 1) there's something wrong with them if they don't get off within a minute or two of being penetrated, or 2) that being an obnoxious screamer that sounds largely like a donkey braying is what men find attractive.

Ladies, if your man can't or won't get you off, teach him what you like. If you don't know, you better be prepared to spend some significant time on self love. If you don't know what does it for you, how can you possibly expect him to figure it out? He'll be happy to help you out if you can give him some positive feedback. If he doesn't care enough to try or doesn't get it, ditch his ass. There are too many good lovers out there to put up with one who's selfish.

Men, if your woman can't get off, it's time to face the music. Odds are you could stand to alter your routine, or spend more time trying new things with your lady. Most women require some form of direct clitoral stimulation to get off. I mean, think about it. You like it when she touches your dick. Clit = female equivalent of the dick, by and large. TOUCH IT GOD DAMN YOU.

And like men, each woman enjoys a different kind of touch. Luckily for you, all it really takes to learn what a woman likes is some time and effort. And fucking pay attention, for the love of God. I know you're really distracted by OHMYGODTHATFEELSGOOD, but make an effort here, kids.

I'm not the only one who talks about vaginas too much

Case in point.

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Also, where can I find this vagina whisperer?

If at first you don't succeed, offer her a dick pic. Yeah, that'll probably (not) work.

Oy vey.

A month since I last published. I have plenty going on to write about, just haven't had the time. Next entry will hopefully be about my latest adventures in moshing. I've gone to a couple concerts since I last wrote, and man was that fun! I'm still healing from the bruises sustained at Trespass America.

At any rate, since I have nothing of substance to say, I figured I'd leave you with yet another idiotic dating site email I received. This one is from a 21 year old kid. Let's just say he's younger than me, and I won't be sharing by how much. But as far as I'm concerned, we're in completely different generations, and maybe even on different planets from how little comprehension he demonstrates.

Without further ado:


Stupid kid who thinks I'm his personal slut (SKWTIHPS): hey my name is tyler u should text me my number is XXXXXXXXXX.


Me: You've given me absolutely no reason to text you. Also, you're not even in the same state as me. I'm not interested in virtual relationships or texting buddies.


(SKWTIHPS): I'm moving to Oakland in a month I was lookin for people to hang out with when I move


Me: Oakland is about an hour away from where I live. With traffic and my schedule, that would make hanging out casually nearly impossible. Good luck with the move, though.


(SKWTIHPS): Hear I'll send u a pic of my dick and see if it will change ur Ming u have to text me so I can send it though


Me: What. Thefuck.

Are you fucking kidding me dude? I've been around the block my dear, and unless yours is green or has some mutant growth on it, I'm fairly sure you're not packing anything I haven't seen before. Just the fact that you think this is an appropriate pick up line proves that we're never going to meet. Stick to girls your own age. They're the sluts you want.

EDITED TO ADD ('cause apparently the kid's too stupid to just move on to the actual sluts) - 

(SKWTIHPS) 20 minutes later: Nope just thought I'd be a dick since u wasn't willing to want to talk



Me ('cause I can't resist prime opportunities to be a smartass): News flash - I don't have to talk to every guy that hits on me. A little unsolicited advice for you: girls pretty much have their pick online, with all the guys that are online looking for a piece of ass. You might want to actually practice your game before thinking douchebaggery is going to help you score.

Also, you being a dick to me - is that some retarded way of trying to get me to apologize and be all, oh I'm sorry I'm not rearranging my schedule to meet you when you get to Oakland? Or some immature attempt at bullying me into giving my number out to someone I have no interest in? Come on, kid. Get real.

Another [loser] bites the dust...

More actual conversations with random online dudes. Is this honestly what passes for attraction these days?

Random clueless fuck face (RCFF): baby ur hot (sic)

Me: Try that line on someone else, dude.

RCFF: oh :( whats up btw

RCFF: hello

Me: Not interested.

RCFF: ok....i am bad at pickup lines anyway... :/

RCFF: take care miss

[waits 5 minutes]

RCFF: just one qs.....are u into BDSM?

Me: What the fuck? Are you totally clueless? What part of not interested says I'm willing to share intimate bedroom details?

RCFF: im just high ('cause that makes it all better, right? WTF?)

Me: Good for you, totally valid excuse. Glad you find me hot, and thanks for the compliment. That is not what I'm looking for. Have a nice day.

RCFF: okie. bye.

What do I look like, a hooker!?

Reason #12319841029473287 not to date online. I think I just got asked if I'm a hooker by some internet random. Or maybe dominatrix? The thing is, this isn't even an adult-themed site (read: a site where people look for sex hookups). It's an actual conversation from a DATING and relationship focused site.

He's in green, and I'm in grey.

hello there how are you doing?

i'm good

you?

fantastic thanks for asking

are you gutsy at all?

what on earth does that mean?

ok be honest would you have the guts to make a guy do whatever you said if he paid you a lot and no one knew? :)

i'm not a hooker

good luck in your search

i would recommend not approaching every woman who interests you in this manner, by the way

no sex

i don't fucking care

i wasnt talking on those term

ok sorry then

Sex 101: Christening the Car

Recently, I met a lover. This is why I haven't been writing as much.

Priorities, people.

Due to circumstances, neither of our residences was an option for hooking up. This left us with few options:

Hotel 

Unfortunately that gets pricey in a hurry, especially with my libido.

And sometimes you get more than you bargain for.

Image via Flickr | rojer

Public

Awesome. I'm down for public sex. Not really down for audiences, tickets, or jail time, though.

However, I'd tolerate a ride in the back of a police vehicle if we got to go full-on lights and sirens.

Car

This has become the default option for us. Unfortunately such marvelous inventions as seatbelts (and the fucking BUCKLE), center consoles, cup holders, and more can really interfere with getting comfortable.

Adjusting to car sex led to a lot of bruising and a rather large mess. Though part of me is proud that our adventures prompted a full car detailing, in a sick and twisted way.

So now, I figured I'd share some essentials of successful car sex order to maximize comfort for people who need to get some but have limited locational options.

I do not recommend this position in small cars. Not safe. Not safe at ALL.

Image via Flickr | fung.leo

1. Blankets 
Venturing into TMI here, but some of us leave wet spots. If you're not cool with your car smelling like OMGSHITTONSOFSEX for weeks, you might want to have something in place that will absorb those bodily fluids so they can't linger for days on end. Of course, if you're into lingering odors (and bacteria), feel free to ignore this little piece of advice.

Fact: blanket = pussy magnet.

Image via Flickr | Maarten Dirkse

2. Condoms
As the old saying goes, accidents in back seats cause people. Protect yourself from disease, smelly cars, and parenthood. But don't keep them in the car or the continuous change in temperature will make them ineffective. Broken rubbers do not prevent kids.

You might wanna double-bag it if you picked her up at the local bar.

Image via Flickr | robertelyov

3. Water
Because even though you're fogging up the windows like nobody's business, you're probably still going to be working up quite a sweat. Hydration is essential.

If you want her love to flow like this, keep her hydrated.

Image via Flickr | Alaskan Dude

4. Lube.
Speaking of hydration, lube is a must. There isn't anything quite as UNsexy as not being able to get it in due to technical difficulties. Lube will ease that transition and allow you to get back to the feel-good sensations instead of worrying about what might be going wrong.

The product title says it all.

Image via Flickr | stagshop

5. A relatively isolated place. 
I feel like this goes without saying, but apparently a friend of mine witnessed a couple going at it in their car in a crowded parking garage on a Tuesday night. I understand that when you need some, you need some. But as I mentioned earlier, I don't want good lovin' to lead to jail time. Jail is not sexy.

6. A car large enough for these kinds of activities. 
I'm not exactly tall, but I still have problems with hitting my head on the roof of the (in our case, rather large and spacious) car. And holy shit, do seat belt buckles rubbing against your inner thighs and/or rib cage HURT.

So can you get it on in your tiny ass sports car? Probably not happening, sorry to break it to you.

Soccer mom van? Fuck. Yes. It's the perfect shaggin' wagon.

Now that you know what's up, bring some supplies and bend her over the backseat. Bottoms up!

The hilarity of online dating

Ever wonder why I'm a bitch? Read the little exchange below.


Random asshat trying to get his dick wet (RATTGHDW):
Hello! How is everything ?

Me:
I can't really speak for everyone else and everything in general, but most things for me are going decently.

RATTGHDW:
Great! I'm fine as well, thanks)))) I' m not sure, u are really woman, honestly, it' so f...ked up here! That's why, if want me, then text me over- *************** I'll wait for u cutie!

Me:
That's not the best foot to start off on with me, dude.

I know that you don't know if I'm a woman, but to be fair I don't know if you're a dude and I didn't start things off by accusing you of being something else.

Second, you've done absolutely NOTHING to pique my interest. "How's everything?" That's not the brilliant opening line that gets you my contact information.

RATTGHDW:
Yahahaha.... I have more than u can accept! And don't call me dude! " how is everything" - it normal here! If u so special, what u doing over, or u can not find somebody without chat?

___________________________________

I love it. I've been railed on before for my "don't make small talk" point of view before, but it's the damn truth.

If you're not going to say something interesting, don't bother. I don't want to talk about the weather for the 50 billionth time. I don't want to talk about [insert sports team name here]. I don't even want to talk about what I do for a living or what I'm doing here. I want to talk to someone who makes me think or who makes me laugh.

Want to know how to get in my pants? Be smart and/or witty and/or charming. Those traits are panty melters, fellas.

You need to learn how to fuck. Seriously.

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine (friend who's a girl, you pervs) awhile back about what makes a good lover/boyfriend/future ex-husband. We gabbed for some time about people we know that are in relationships, and we came to a conclusion...

...if you know how to throw down in the bedroom, your chick will put up with a hell of a lot of bullshit from you.

Hear me out on this one fellas.

If you can give your chick a screaming orgasm, even on a semi-regular basis, she'll smile her way through your bullshit just to have you lay some more pipe on her.

These are not the pipes you are looking for.

Image via Flickr | ElvertBarnes

This is more the style we're going for.

Image via Flickr | ElvertBarnes

What do I base this rather unscientific observation on? I know MANY women who agree with this statement.

I've given you great knowledge here, fellas. Use it wisely. This is NOT license to be a jackass just because you have skills. That can be just as big a turnoff as a dude who kisses like the lower half of his face has been injected with Novacaine.

Now, I think the obvious question here is what makes a man a great lay?

1) Big dick does NOT make you a great lover.
Most of you with big dicks think it's a matter of shoving it in and pounding away. Do me a favor....punch yourself. Anywhere on your body, in the same spot for about 10 minutes. HARD. Yeah, imagine that kinda bruising on your junk. Not fun, is it?

What do you mean? I thought you LOVED big cock!

Image via Flickr | Darren Foreman

2) Money does NOT make you a great lover.
There are some broke dudes out there who make it their mission in life to have expertise and control over the female body. Your car, your yacht, and various other expensive toys you may have aren't going to help you get your woman off unless the sight of wealth literally gets her juices flowing.

Bright side? If she DOES get off on money, she'll probably be wearing this.

Image via Flickr | Foxtongue

3) Great lovers do NOT need to brag.
When you brag about how great you are, it sounds more like you're practicing the "fake it 'til you make it" principle. Truly great lovers know that even a hint of getting naked and sweaty will have their partners salivating.

This sign is much funnier than anything I could possibly say about it.

Image via Flickr | MarkWallace

4) The tricks that got your last girl off may not do a damn thing for your current one.
Get with it, guys! We look different, we act different, we like different things and different men. Why the FUCK would we all get off the same way? Don't use some tried and true trick you learned from your frat brother's second cousin's roommate who used to be best buds with Tommy Lee. Talk to your woman and pay attention to the noises she makes when she likes something. You'll become a better lover through communication and trial and error than you ever will for having a "signature move". You're not Michael Jackson.

Unless your move looks like this. I'd be interested in seeing how you plan to make this work.

Image via Flickr | Lodian

5) DO NOT ASK FOR A PITY FUCK.
 Really? You're deploying? Haven't been laid in a year? Your last chick put you in the hospital and you're ready to date again at long last? Why the hell do I care? Frankly, I'd rather masturbate than listen to your sob story. If you want to join in, do me a favor and shut up.

Why do they call that "pussy"? I don't get it.

Image via Flickr | sidewalk flying

I think the main lesson is simply this: PAY ATTENTION. If you show a woman that you don't pay attention to details right off the bat, she'll be counting down the minutes until she can play with her favorite vibrator instead of you.

Sex 101: Dining at the Y

I'm gonna burst some of you fellas' bubbles. I've got news for you -- you're not nearly as talented at muff diving as your past girlfriends and one-nighters have led you to believe.

I know this because if some broad had actually told you what you were doing wrong and what you were doing right so that she could actually get off, you'd stop taking your cues from lame porno scenes.

So here's a few hints for the dudes (and maybe some of the chicks who are venturing into eating clam):

1. Trim your raggedy ass nails.

Personally, I'd prefer you get a fucking manicure. If you're not going to do that, at least take a damn nail file to your fingers every once in awhile and tame the hangnails. If you come at me with those suckers, I promise this is the only thing I see:

What do you mean keep that shit away from me?

Get with it, guys! VAGINAS ARE SENSITIVE. We feel every. little. THING. down there. Rough cuticles? Yep. Stubbly chin? Ouch. Hairy knuckles? Feels like being fondled by Robin Williams.

The point is this: clean and groom and take extra special care of anything you plan on shoving up my hoo-ha, k? If not, I'm gonna send Freddy here after your bunghole so you can see how it feels.

2. The face shake thing? FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY.

A guy's going down on a chick. Right, this is starting off well. 

You see his tongue dart out ever so delicately to lap at her girly bits. OK, I'm on board with this. 

He latches his lips on her clit and gently sucks and she moans, getting all into it. Then like a dog trying to fucking KILL something, he rapidly shakes his head "no", effectively looking like an idiot and rubbing his face all over her poontang.

This does not feel good on genitalia. You are not a dog. Stop acting like one.

Image: Saturn via Flickr

The worst part? He expects her to be over the moon or even getting off because he just shook his face harder than a wet dog IN HER VAG. This is one of those things you fuckers definitely got from god-awful porn.

I'm gonna break you of that habit if it kills me. I swear, each and every one of you that tries that move on me will get a BJ using the same tactics. Wait, you didn't want me to literally kill your boner with my face? My bad, I got that trick from porn.


3. The vagina is NOT a punching bag. 

Please stop trying to fuck my vagina with your entire forearm. There are women who are into that, but they generally make it clear up front they're into being human puppets.

Alternate: Don't get a good rhythm going with a finger or two and then suddenly decide you need to jackhammer me. If I wanted a Sybian, I would purchase one. You deciding to be a human piston effectively means you are now PUNCHING ME IN THE COOCH.

BAM! Sucka.

 Image: Alva Chien via Flickr

Think about it - your knuckles, they are still outside of my body. Those parts are soft and yielding and generally can't take a Tyson-esque beating.  Before long, they're gonna give up and stop guarding the entrance to my insides. I don't fancy the idea of you reaching all the way up there to punch me directly in the uterus.


These are the basic rules. I'd also like to include the following self-explanatory rules for good measure:

4. If you don't go down, don't expect her to.


5. If you expect her to be clean shaven, you better be shaving your balls and bunghole.


6. Figure out what she likes and KEEP DOING IT.

Happy eating! Don't forget to leave a Yelp review!