True tales of car nookie

I met up with my lover again last week, shortly after I wrote the entry schooling everyone on the finer points of car sex and strategy.

The sad thing is I'm finally in a place with a plenty of privacy. My housemates don't have a problem with guests, and they know I'm considerate.

HOWEVER.

There is one thing I don't have any goddamn control over - my vocalizations when getting busy.

I'm sorry, but if I enjoy it I'm not really paying attention to how I sound or what I'm saying. I'm just doing what feels good. That includes the occasional scream.

With that in mind, I was nervous about having the lover over to the new place for some sexin'. I really wanted to find out if I could control myself and not scare the new neighbors.

Short answer? I can't. I digress.

Basically, we decided we'd violate one another in his car again to see if I could keep quiet. In a hilarious twist, we wound up stopping at a 24 hour drug store to pick up humongous bottles of water. All I could do was laugh when he grabbed the bottles.

Lover: What?

Me: We're following my advice on having car sex.

Lover: Oh. [laughs] So we are!

Me: This is so going in the blog.

Both: [laugh]

20 minutes later -
Both: [sex]

Aaaaand there you have it. I'm not only the creator of the rules, I follow them as well.

My friends continue to be awesome.

It was a cold weekend in February, late Friday night.

I was already in bed - I am lame because I spend way too much time working. Meanwhile my friend in LA was wide awake and drinking. And so I woke up early Saturday morning to these messages from her:

2:17 am: Hey lady... You awake?

2:28 am: So I am sitting here with my boyfriend's friend J... And he wants to know if he can give you an Australian kiss.

2:29 am: And if you don't know what that is... it's a French kiss but down below ... Oh, and he wants you to sit on his face.

3:22 am: He wants you to know he is "Viking Hot"

I got in touch with my friend the next afternoon to ask her what the hell happened. Apparently J is single and ready to mingle, even if the chicks he's into are hundreds of miles away. My friend didn't help the situation by showing him pictures of me. Then she regaled me with other flirtatious gems from J, most of them revolving around how much he wanted me to sit on his face. AND drive six hours for the privilege.

J, wherever you are - you, sir, are a true gentleman. A word to the wise - I'm much more likely to travel for face-sitting time if you're including a plane ticket with your rambling. Also, pics or you're definitely NOT viking hot.

Sex 101: Dining at the Y

I'm gonna burst some of you fellas' bubbles. I've got news for you -- you're not nearly as talented at muff diving as your past girlfriends and one-nighters have led you to believe.

I know this because if some broad had actually told you what you were doing wrong and what you were doing right so that she could actually get off, you'd stop taking your cues from lame porno scenes.

So here's a few hints for the dudes (and maybe some of the chicks who are venturing into eating clam):

1. Trim your raggedy ass nails.

Personally, I'd prefer you get a fucking manicure. If you're not going to do that, at least take a damn nail file to your fingers every once in awhile and tame the hangnails. If you come at me with those suckers, I promise this is the only thing I see:

What do you mean keep that shit away from me?

Get with it, guys! VAGINAS ARE SENSITIVE. We feel every. little. THING. down there. Rough cuticles? Yep. Stubbly chin? Ouch. Hairy knuckles? Feels like being fondled by Robin Williams.

The point is this: clean and groom and take extra special care of anything you plan on shoving up my hoo-ha, k? If not, I'm gonna send Freddy here after your bunghole so you can see how it feels.

2. The face shake thing? FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY.

A guy's going down on a chick. Right, this is starting off well. 

You see his tongue dart out ever so delicately to lap at her girly bits. OK, I'm on board with this. 

He latches his lips on her clit and gently sucks and she moans, getting all into it. Then like a dog trying to fucking KILL something, he rapidly shakes his head "no", effectively looking like an idiot and rubbing his face all over her poontang.

This does not feel good on genitalia. You are not a dog. Stop acting like one.

Image: Saturn via Flickr

The worst part? He expects her to be over the moon or even getting off because he just shook his face harder than a wet dog IN HER VAG. This is one of those things you fuckers definitely got from god-awful porn.

I'm gonna break you of that habit if it kills me. I swear, each and every one of you that tries that move on me will get a BJ using the same tactics. Wait, you didn't want me to literally kill your boner with my face? My bad, I got that trick from porn.


3. The vagina is NOT a punching bag. 

Please stop trying to fuck my vagina with your entire forearm. There are women who are into that, but they generally make it clear up front they're into being human puppets.

Alternate: Don't get a good rhythm going with a finger or two and then suddenly decide you need to jackhammer me. If I wanted a Sybian, I would purchase one. You deciding to be a human piston effectively means you are now PUNCHING ME IN THE COOCH.

BAM! Sucka.

 Image: Alva Chien via Flickr

Think about it - your knuckles, they are still outside of my body. Those parts are soft and yielding and generally can't take a Tyson-esque beating.  Before long, they're gonna give up and stop guarding the entrance to my insides. I don't fancy the idea of you reaching all the way up there to punch me directly in the uterus.


These are the basic rules. I'd also like to include the following self-explanatory rules for good measure:

4. If you don't go down, don't expect her to.


5. If you expect her to be clean shaven, you better be shaving your balls and bunghole.


6. Figure out what she likes and KEEP DOING IT.

Happy eating! Don't forget to leave a Yelp review!