You need to learn how to fuck. Seriously.

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine (friend who's a girl, you pervs) awhile back about what makes a good lover/boyfriend/future ex-husband. We gabbed for some time about people we know that are in relationships, and we came to a conclusion...

...if you know how to throw down in the bedroom, your chick will put up with a hell of a lot of bullshit from you.

Hear me out on this one fellas.

If you can give your chick a screaming orgasm, even on a semi-regular basis, she'll smile her way through your bullshit just to have you lay some more pipe on her.

These are not the pipes you are looking for.

Image via Flickr | ElvertBarnes

This is more the style we're going for.

Image via Flickr | ElvertBarnes

What do I base this rather unscientific observation on? I know MANY women who agree with this statement.

I've given you great knowledge here, fellas. Use it wisely. This is NOT license to be a jackass just because you have skills. That can be just as big a turnoff as a dude who kisses like the lower half of his face has been injected with Novacaine.

Now, I think the obvious question here is what makes a man a great lay?

1) Big dick does NOT make you a great lover.
Most of you with big dicks think it's a matter of shoving it in and pounding away. Do me a favor....punch yourself. Anywhere on your body, in the same spot for about 10 minutes. HARD. Yeah, imagine that kinda bruising on your junk. Not fun, is it?

What do you mean? I thought you LOVED big cock!

Image via Flickr | Darren Foreman

2) Money does NOT make you a great lover.
There are some broke dudes out there who make it their mission in life to have expertise and control over the female body. Your car, your yacht, and various other expensive toys you may have aren't going to help you get your woman off unless the sight of wealth literally gets her juices flowing.

Bright side? If she DOES get off on money, she'll probably be wearing this.

Image via Flickr | Foxtongue

3) Great lovers do NOT need to brag.
When you brag about how great you are, it sounds more like you're practicing the "fake it 'til you make it" principle. Truly great lovers know that even a hint of getting naked and sweaty will have their partners salivating.

This sign is much funnier than anything I could possibly say about it.

Image via Flickr | MarkWallace

4) The tricks that got your last girl off may not do a damn thing for your current one.
Get with it, guys! We look different, we act different, we like different things and different men. Why the FUCK would we all get off the same way? Don't use some tried and true trick you learned from your frat brother's second cousin's roommate who used to be best buds with Tommy Lee. Talk to your woman and pay attention to the noises she makes when she likes something. You'll become a better lover through communication and trial and error than you ever will for having a "signature move". You're not Michael Jackson.

Unless your move looks like this. I'd be interested in seeing how you plan to make this work.

Image via Flickr | Lodian

5) DO NOT ASK FOR A PITY FUCK.
 Really? You're deploying? Haven't been laid in a year? Your last chick put you in the hospital and you're ready to date again at long last? Why the hell do I care? Frankly, I'd rather masturbate than listen to your sob story. If you want to join in, do me a favor and shut up.

Why do they call that "pussy"? I don't get it.

Image via Flickr | sidewalk flying

I think the main lesson is simply this: PAY ATTENTION. If you show a woman that you don't pay attention to details right off the bat, she'll be counting down the minutes until she can play with her favorite vibrator instead of you.