If at first you don't succeed, offer her a dick pic. Yeah, that'll probably (not) work.

Oy vey.

A month since I last published. I have plenty going on to write about, just haven't had the time. Next entry will hopefully be about my latest adventures in moshing. I've gone to a couple concerts since I last wrote, and man was that fun! I'm still healing from the bruises sustained at Trespass America.

At any rate, since I have nothing of substance to say, I figured I'd leave you with yet another idiotic dating site email I received. This one is from a 21 year old kid. Let's just say he's younger than me, and I won't be sharing by how much. But as far as I'm concerned, we're in completely different generations, and maybe even on different planets from how little comprehension he demonstrates.

Without further ado:


Stupid kid who thinks I'm his personal slut (SKWTIHPS): hey my name is tyler u should text me my number is XXXXXXXXXX.


Me: You've given me absolutely no reason to text you. Also, you're not even in the same state as me. I'm not interested in virtual relationships or texting buddies.


(SKWTIHPS): I'm moving to Oakland in a month I was lookin for people to hang out with when I move


Me: Oakland is about an hour away from where I live. With traffic and my schedule, that would make hanging out casually nearly impossible. Good luck with the move, though.


(SKWTIHPS): Hear I'll send u a pic of my dick and see if it will change ur Ming u have to text me so I can send it though


Me: What. Thefuck.

Are you fucking kidding me dude? I've been around the block my dear, and unless yours is green or has some mutant growth on it, I'm fairly sure you're not packing anything I haven't seen before. Just the fact that you think this is an appropriate pick up line proves that we're never going to meet. Stick to girls your own age. They're the sluts you want.

EDITED TO ADD ('cause apparently the kid's too stupid to just move on to the actual sluts) - 

(SKWTIHPS) 20 minutes later: Nope just thought I'd be a dick since u wasn't willing to want to talk



Me ('cause I can't resist prime opportunities to be a smartass): News flash - I don't have to talk to every guy that hits on me. A little unsolicited advice for you: girls pretty much have their pick online, with all the guys that are online looking for a piece of ass. You might want to actually practice your game before thinking douchebaggery is going to help you score.

Also, you being a dick to me - is that some retarded way of trying to get me to apologize and be all, oh I'm sorry I'm not rearranging my schedule to meet you when you get to Oakland? Or some immature attempt at bullying me into giving my number out to someone I have no interest in? Come on, kid. Get real.

Another [loser] bites the dust...

More actual conversations with random online dudes. Is this honestly what passes for attraction these days?

Random clueless fuck face (RCFF): baby ur hot (sic)

Me: Try that line on someone else, dude.

RCFF: oh :( whats up btw

RCFF: hello

Me: Not interested.

RCFF: ok....i am bad at pickup lines anyway... :/

RCFF: take care miss

[waits 5 minutes]

RCFF: just one qs.....are u into BDSM?

Me: What the fuck? Are you totally clueless? What part of not interested says I'm willing to share intimate bedroom details?

RCFF: im just high ('cause that makes it all better, right? WTF?)

Me: Good for you, totally valid excuse. Glad you find me hot, and thanks for the compliment. That is not what I'm looking for. Have a nice day.

RCFF: okie. bye.

Moments that make you go hmm...

Sunday night, and I find myself in line at the grocery store. On the conveyor belt in front of me, an 8 pack of AA batteries and a bottle of water.

Behind the register, a man with an interesting look on his face...

Interesting ways to earn money

I've worked just about every job a person can, doing everything from picking up trash to pushing paper at the office to waiting tables to writing professionally.

However, one of my shortest gigs gets the most questions.

There was a time in my early 20s that I was a phone sex operator (PSO). Yes, there is actually an acronym for this. We were also called phone actresses for the politically correct.

You're probably picturing this.

Image: Flickr | Illusive Photography

The reality is more like this.

Image: Flickr |  Jerry Bunkers

 

Interestingly enough, I got the idea from my mom. She did a stint on the phones, too. She had office hours at home, with a notice posted on her door stating she was not to be disturbed. Apparently she was just that popular! So one day when I was bitching about needing a little extra cash for school, mommy dearest suggested I give PSOing the old college try.

I promise, we only sound like a super creepy family. We're the motherfucking Waltons at home, except with more attitude and a veritable herd of dogs. I digress.

Working as a PSO was appealing for a few reasons. You could work whenever you want, for as little or as long as you wanted. Basically you'd sign in when you were available and as calls came in they would be routed to you. Earnings were based on a sliding scale, which was determined by how many calls you took and how long you could keep clients on the phone. Also, STDs aren't transferable via phone. Yet.

There were some drawbacks, though.

You had to have a corded home phone, because calls connected via cell or cordless could be intercepted and overheard by a third party. If you weren't signed in and they had a heavy volume of calls, they'd start calling operators at home to get someone to sign in and take calls. There were times where if I wanted to sleep, I'd have to turn the phone off.

I had fun with it while it lasted, which was all of a month and a half. I'd get home from my evening classes, make some dinner, sign in to the call line and wait for calls to come in.

Believe it or not, roughly 75% of the calls were not sexual. Most callers simply wanted someone to talk to.

90% of the time, I was speaking to males. However, I would get the occasional female. And once I'm fairly sure I got a prepubescent boy. When I asked him about his age and quickly asked his birth year, they matched. I had no way of checking ID, so I had to talk dirty to this 12 year old kid.

For that 25% of the time where the conversation did turn dirty, I had little tricks up my sleeve for making it sound like I was getting off on this type of conversation. A trusty mayonnaise jar. A porno cued up in the background while I worked on my laptop.

It's sad - I'm really good at faking orgasms on the phone.

I had to be, though. Some of these people really wanted to get off in less than two minutes to keep the charges low. If I couldn't talk fast enough they'd hang up on me, which affected my take home pay.

I was a good sport and thought of it as just another job. Then I started getting the weird calls. Or at least, they were weird to me at the time, being relatively inexperienced in the kink arena.

Men who wanted me to be two women.

Men who wanted me to be tall, black, and wearing hot pink fishnets (yes, the fantasies got that specific!).

Men who wanted me to tell them about my leather pants-wearing, hot football-playing boyfriend with a monster cock who liked to humiliate effeminate men while I violated them with a giant dildo.

FYI, I never had a football player boyfriend with a penchant for sadism and wearing painted-on leather pants. Dude made that up all on his own and I had to play along.

That last phone call was the end of the PSO line for me.

Funny, when I started I had this vision of myself being this cool, sexy chick who could convince strangers to get off on the phone, all from the comfort of home. I quickly figured out I couldn't share that part of myself with strangers, and faking it was affecting my own confidence and ability to get turned on.

I guess some of us just weren't made to be phone sex pros.

What do I look like, a hooker!?

Reason #12319841029473287 not to date online. I think I just got asked if I'm a hooker by some internet random. Or maybe dominatrix? The thing is, this isn't even an adult-themed site (read: a site where people look for sex hookups). It's an actual conversation from a DATING and relationship focused site.

He's in green, and I'm in grey.

hello there how are you doing?

i'm good

you?

fantastic thanks for asking

are you gutsy at all?

what on earth does that mean?

ok be honest would you have the guts to make a guy do whatever you said if he paid you a lot and no one knew? :)

i'm not a hooker

good luck in your search

i would recommend not approaching every woman who interests you in this manner, by the way

no sex

i don't fucking care

i wasnt talking on those term

ok sorry then