Another [loser] bites the dust...

More actual conversations with random online dudes. Is this honestly what passes for attraction these days?

Random clueless fuck face (RCFF): baby ur hot (sic)

Me: Try that line on someone else, dude.

RCFF: oh :( whats up btw

RCFF: hello

Me: Not interested.

RCFF: ok....i am bad at pickup lines anyway... :/

RCFF: take care miss

[waits 5 minutes]

RCFF: just one qs.....are u into BDSM?

Me: What the fuck? Are you totally clueless? What part of not interested says I'm willing to share intimate bedroom details?

RCFF: im just high ('cause that makes it all better, right? WTF?)

Me: Good for you, totally valid excuse. Glad you find me hot, and thanks for the compliment. That is not what I'm looking for. Have a nice day.

RCFF: okie. bye.

What do I look like, a hooker!?

Reason #12319841029473287 not to date online. I think I just got asked if I'm a hooker by some internet random. Or maybe dominatrix? The thing is, this isn't even an adult-themed site (read: a site where people look for sex hookups). It's an actual conversation from a DATING and relationship focused site.

He's in green, and I'm in grey.

hello there how are you doing?

i'm good

you?

fantastic thanks for asking

are you gutsy at all?

what on earth does that mean?

ok be honest would you have the guts to make a guy do whatever you said if he paid you a lot and no one knew? :)

i'm not a hooker

good luck in your search

i would recommend not approaching every woman who interests you in this manner, by the way

no sex

i don't fucking care

i wasnt talking on those term

ok sorry then

My favorite pickup lines

Most women have heard a lame come-on at some point in their dating lives. It doesn't matter how a chick looks - some dude has tried to pick her up with some corny, "I lost my number, can I have yours?" routine.

Many, many (manymanymanymanymany) moons ago when I was in college, I was a regular at a local dive bar. My favorite bartender had just made me my favorite drink, and I settled in to listen to the not quite so favorite local band. To my surprise, a young man approached. He never introduced himself. He simply sat down next to me and asked a strange question.

Young Man (YM): I'm curious. Are you a chicken farmer?

Me: [stunned, blank stare]

YM: Well, are you?

Me: What on earth would make you think I'm a chicken farmer?

YM: 'Cause you're raising my cock.

Me: [beat] [hysterical laughter]

YM: [beams]

Me: I'd like to buy you a drink, sir. That was a damn good one!

I never got his number. And I certainly don't remember his name. Hell, at this point I'm not entirely sure he was a man, except lesbians probably wouldn't be claiming I raised their cocks. I just remember the line, and the fact that he was ballsy enough to pull it off. I bought him a drink, true to my word. And we spent the next couple hours chatting until we parted ways.

That line is one of my favorite memories from my singlehood. I loved it so much that I routinely get into best pickup line contests with my girlfriends. Here are some of my favorites:

• That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

• How do you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?

• That dress looks great on you. It'd look even better on my floor.

• Can I take a picture of you? I want to show Santa what I want for Christmas.

• You must be a parking ticket 'cause you've got fine written all over you.

• How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.

• Your dad must be a baker, 'cause you got some hot buns.

• Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name ___________?

• I'm glad I have my library card, 'cause I'd like to check you out.

• Don't you think most people who use pick-up lines are dipsticks? (Yes.) In that case, mind if I check your oil level?

• Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Have you heard any lines that made you laugh? What about lines that actually worked? I wanna hear the best of the best. Maybe I'll even buy you a drink. Maybe.