There's always a catch...

I got nothing. I also realize I haven't written for some time. With that in mind, I leave you with a comic and some memorable quotes from my holiday weekend.

See more comics from this artist here.

Totally true, by the way. The next guy I sleep with better offer to take me home to his bed full of money. Also, please hide the dirty socks and the porn.


And noooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww (imaginary drum roll): memorable weekend quotes!

Three friends: S, A, and Me (now in fun, festive Christmas colors!).

A: [rambling about good sex with her man]

S: Hey, some of us aren't getting any.

Me: Yeah, don't rub it in, jerk.

A: I didn't say I had great sex today.

Me: I know you've had sex recently. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...

A & S: [laugh hysterically]

Me: I never knew I could segue into Casablanca so smoothly. 

All: [more laughter]

______________________________

The same three friends, while out shopping on Black Friday. Scene: I just returned to the car from putting away the empty shopping cart, and heard this while the girls loaded into the car. AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaand ACTION!

A & S: [talking, mention salami]

Me: Whoa, what about salami now?

S: That is quite possibly the most random question ever.

A: Yeah, what ABOUT salami, huh?

Me: That'd make a good Facebook status. Guess who said this, the fat chick or the slut?

A: What if the fat slut said it?

S: Mmmmmmm....salami.

All: [laughter]

______________________

Me and S, after breakfast this morning:

Me: So my friend M has convinced himself that I'm flying out to see him for my birthday. I told him if I was going to that much effort, I better have one hell of a birthday surprise waiting for me.

S: Other than hot birthday sex?

Me: That's not really much of a surprise, is it?

S: Not really, but should still be loads of fun.

Me: Unless I have a boyfriend by then. 'Hey honey, sorry, but I've been friends with this guy for half my life and may never have another chance to fuck his brains out, so...'

S: He could be your freebie.

Me: My hall pass? I guess that works since I know I won't be shacking up with any celebrities.

S: And if you returned without sleeping with M, I would personally pick you up from the airport just so I could slap you. Seriously. TAP THAT.

Both: [laughter]


Conclusion: my friends and I are the best kind of slut.

I'm not the only one who talks about vaginas too much

Case in point.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Naomi Wolf
www.colbertnation.com
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Also, where can I find this vagina whisperer?

Sex 101: What do you call your vagina?

People tell me I say vag and vagina a lot.  I suppose that's true. I have one. It's one of those mystery-of-the-universe things where even though I own one, I don't quite understand it. I find that fascinating.

I kinda want to compare vaginas to fire, but that might be a bad analogy. I mean, I know the basics of how fire burns, but I don't really understand what makes it so hot. Or why it consumes everything.

Hell, this might be the perfect analogy for my vagina. Except for the burning part.

Aaaaaaaanyway.

This topic is recurring between me and friends. I lovingly refer to my vagina as "that little whore" and threaten it with forced celibacy all the time. As a result, my friends and I often talk about my tendency to over-share and general lack of boundaries. You can't comment...you're reading about this and most of you fuckers know me, which is what is truly scary.

So one night I was talking with my friends about vaginas and I don't even remember what got us on the topic, because for a change it was NOT me. Suddenly we were talking about a male friend's preference for Japanese women. And then they were recounting how they teased him about his love of Bento boxes.

It took me a full 10 seconds to get it, but when I did, it was full-on laugh-snort.

Then it occurred to me. I'm not getting creative at ALL with my vaginal discussions. I may talk about it a lot, but that doesn't mean I have to be boring!

There's all kinds of fun names for it I could be using when I just talk vaginavaginavaginablahblahblah all the time. Cooter. Cunt. Snatch. Clam. Love muffin. Vajayjay. Poontang. Pussy.  Beaver. Bearded clam. Cave of wonders. Fur burger. Gaping axe wound (I like that one, and I think I'll use it when I'm given hell for talking about my vagina - don't pick on me and my GAPING AXE WOUND!).

They're definitely fun to use, and creative to boot! But I want to take this a step further.

I think we need to mix in a little personal flair. Everyone has a fur burger. NOT everyone has a bento box.

There's the obvious pink taco for our ladies with a little Latina flair. 

Some poutine for those Quebecois that like a little gravy and cheese?

Oh god, I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Seriously though, we should get creative with this. I'm bored with all the same old terms for vag. Let's wear our sex AND our heritage with pride, ladies! I dunno, since I'm white as hell all I'm coming up with at the moment is a basket of onion rings. But together, we can label races and vaginas AT THE SAME TIME!