Sex 101: Christening the Car

Recently, I met a lover. This is why I haven't been writing as much.

Priorities, people.

Due to circumstances, neither of our residences was an option for hooking up. This left us with few options:

Hotel 

Unfortunately that gets pricey in a hurry, especially with my libido.

And sometimes you get more than you bargain for.

Image via Flickr | rojer

Public

Awesome. I'm down for public sex. Not really down for audiences, tickets, or jail time, though.

However, I'd tolerate a ride in the back of a police vehicle if we got to go full-on lights and sirens.

Car

This has become the default option for us. Unfortunately such marvelous inventions as seatbelts (and the fucking BUCKLE), center consoles, cup holders, and more can really interfere with getting comfortable.

Adjusting to car sex led to a lot of bruising and a rather large mess. Though part of me is proud that our adventures prompted a full car detailing, in a sick and twisted way.

So now, I figured I'd share some essentials of successful car sex order to maximize comfort for people who need to get some but have limited locational options.

I do not recommend this position in small cars. Not safe. Not safe at ALL.

Image via Flickr | fung.leo

1. Blankets 
Venturing into TMI here, but some of us leave wet spots. If you're not cool with your car smelling like OMGSHITTONSOFSEX for weeks, you might want to have something in place that will absorb those bodily fluids so they can't linger for days on end. Of course, if you're into lingering odors (and bacteria), feel free to ignore this little piece of advice.

Fact: blanket = pussy magnet.

Image via Flickr | Maarten Dirkse

2. Condoms
As the old saying goes, accidents in back seats cause people. Protect yourself from disease, smelly cars, and parenthood. But don't keep them in the car or the continuous change in temperature will make them ineffective. Broken rubbers do not prevent kids.

You might wanna double-bag it if you picked her up at the local bar.

Image via Flickr | robertelyov

3. Water
Because even though you're fogging up the windows like nobody's business, you're probably still going to be working up quite a sweat. Hydration is essential.

If you want her love to flow like this, keep her hydrated.

Image via Flickr | Alaskan Dude

4. Lube.
Speaking of hydration, lube is a must. There isn't anything quite as UNsexy as not being able to get it in due to technical difficulties. Lube will ease that transition and allow you to get back to the feel-good sensations instead of worrying about what might be going wrong.

The product title says it all.

Image via Flickr | stagshop

5. A relatively isolated place. 
I feel like this goes without saying, but apparently a friend of mine witnessed a couple going at it in their car in a crowded parking garage on a Tuesday night. I understand that when you need some, you need some. But as I mentioned earlier, I don't want good lovin' to lead to jail time. Jail is not sexy.

6. A car large enough for these kinds of activities. 
I'm not exactly tall, but I still have problems with hitting my head on the roof of the (in our case, rather large and spacious) car. And holy shit, do seat belt buckles rubbing against your inner thighs and/or rib cage HURT.

So can you get it on in your tiny ass sports car? Probably not happening, sorry to break it to you.

Soccer mom van? Fuck. Yes. It's the perfect shaggin' wagon.

Now that you know what's up, bring some supplies and bend her over the backseat. Bottoms up!