Fucking stop it already.

You know what pisses me off? Like, royally?

Porn. You already knew this.

But my major beef lately is how much completely inaccurate information is being spread because of this preoccupation with porn.

What's so wrong with it, you ask?

It's unrealistic by and large. It has men thinking that women get off as soon as they're touched and/or penetrated. It has women thinking either 1) there's something wrong with them if they don't get off within a minute or two of being penetrated, or 2) that being an obnoxious screamer that sounds largely like a donkey braying is what men find attractive.

Ladies, if your man can't or won't get you off, teach him what you like. If you don't know, you better be prepared to spend some significant time on self love. If you don't know what does it for you, how can you possibly expect him to figure it out? He'll be happy to help you out if you can give him some positive feedback. If he doesn't care enough to try or doesn't get it, ditch his ass. There are too many good lovers out there to put up with one who's selfish.

Men, if your woman can't get off, it's time to face the music. Odds are you could stand to alter your routine, or spend more time trying new things with your lady. Most women require some form of direct clitoral stimulation to get off. I mean, think about it. You like it when she touches your dick. Clit = female equivalent of the dick, by and large. TOUCH IT GOD DAMN YOU.

And like men, each woman enjoys a different kind of touch. Luckily for you, all it really takes to learn what a woman likes is some time and effort. And fucking pay attention, for the love of God. I know you're really distracted by OHMYGODTHATFEELSGOOD, but make an effort here, kids.

There's always a catch...

I got nothing. I also realize I haven't written for some time. With that in mind, I leave you with a comic and some memorable quotes from my holiday weekend.

See more comics from this artist here.

Totally true, by the way. The next guy I sleep with better offer to take me home to his bed full of money. Also, please hide the dirty socks and the porn.


And noooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww (imaginary drum roll): memorable weekend quotes!

Three friends: S, A, and Me (now in fun, festive Christmas colors!).

A: [rambling about good sex with her man]

S: Hey, some of us aren't getting any.

Me: Yeah, don't rub it in, jerk.

A: I didn't say I had great sex today.

Me: I know you've had sex recently. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...

A & S: [laugh hysterically]

Me: I never knew I could segue into Casablanca so smoothly. 

All: [more laughter]

______________________________

The same three friends, while out shopping on Black Friday. Scene: I just returned to the car from putting away the empty shopping cart, and heard this while the girls loaded into the car. AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaand ACTION!

A & S: [talking, mention salami]

Me: Whoa, what about salami now?

S: That is quite possibly the most random question ever.

A: Yeah, what ABOUT salami, huh?

Me: That'd make a good Facebook status. Guess who said this, the fat chick or the slut?

A: What if the fat slut said it?

S: Mmmmmmm....salami.

All: [laughter]

______________________

Me and S, after breakfast this morning:

Me: So my friend M has convinced himself that I'm flying out to see him for my birthday. I told him if I was going to that much effort, I better have one hell of a birthday surprise waiting for me.

S: Other than hot birthday sex?

Me: That's not really much of a surprise, is it?

S: Not really, but should still be loads of fun.

Me: Unless I have a boyfriend by then. 'Hey honey, sorry, but I've been friends with this guy for half my life and may never have another chance to fuck his brains out, so...'

S: He could be your freebie.

Me: My hall pass? I guess that works since I know I won't be shacking up with any celebrities.

S: And if you returned without sleeping with M, I would personally pick you up from the airport just so I could slap you. Seriously. TAP THAT.

Both: [laughter]


Conclusion: my friends and I are the best kind of slut.

I'm not the only one who talks about vaginas too much

Case in point.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Naomi Wolf
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Also, where can I find this vagina whisperer?

If at first you don't succeed, offer her a dick pic. Yeah, that'll probably (not) work.

Oy vey.

A month since I last published. I have plenty going on to write about, just haven't had the time. Next entry will hopefully be about my latest adventures in moshing. I've gone to a couple concerts since I last wrote, and man was that fun! I'm still healing from the bruises sustained at Trespass America.

At any rate, since I have nothing of substance to say, I figured I'd leave you with yet another idiotic dating site email I received. This one is from a 21 year old kid. Let's just say he's younger than me, and I won't be sharing by how much. But as far as I'm concerned, we're in completely different generations, and maybe even on different planets from how little comprehension he demonstrates.

Without further ado:


Stupid kid who thinks I'm his personal slut (SKWTIHPS): hey my name is tyler u should text me my number is XXXXXXXXXX.


Me: You've given me absolutely no reason to text you. Also, you're not even in the same state as me. I'm not interested in virtual relationships or texting buddies.


(SKWTIHPS): I'm moving to Oakland in a month I was lookin for people to hang out with when I move


Me: Oakland is about an hour away from where I live. With traffic and my schedule, that would make hanging out casually nearly impossible. Good luck with the move, though.


(SKWTIHPS): Hear I'll send u a pic of my dick and see if it will change ur Ming u have to text me so I can send it though


Me: What. Thefuck.

Are you fucking kidding me dude? I've been around the block my dear, and unless yours is green or has some mutant growth on it, I'm fairly sure you're not packing anything I haven't seen before. Just the fact that you think this is an appropriate pick up line proves that we're never going to meet. Stick to girls your own age. They're the sluts you want.

EDITED TO ADD ('cause apparently the kid's too stupid to just move on to the actual sluts) - 

(SKWTIHPS) 20 minutes later: Nope just thought I'd be a dick since u wasn't willing to want to talk



Me ('cause I can't resist prime opportunities to be a smartass): News flash - I don't have to talk to every guy that hits on me. A little unsolicited advice for you: girls pretty much have their pick online, with all the guys that are online looking for a piece of ass. You might want to actually practice your game before thinking douchebaggery is going to help you score.

Also, you being a dick to me - is that some retarded way of trying to get me to apologize and be all, oh I'm sorry I'm not rearranging my schedule to meet you when you get to Oakland? Or some immature attempt at bullying me into giving my number out to someone I have no interest in? Come on, kid. Get real.

Another [loser] bites the dust...

More actual conversations with random online dudes. Is this honestly what passes for attraction these days?

Random clueless fuck face (RCFF): baby ur hot (sic)

Me: Try that line on someone else, dude.

RCFF: oh :( whats up btw

RCFF: hello

Me: Not interested.

RCFF: ok....i am bad at pickup lines anyway... :/

RCFF: take care miss

[waits 5 minutes]

RCFF: just one qs.....are u into BDSM?

Me: What the fuck? Are you totally clueless? What part of not interested says I'm willing to share intimate bedroom details?

RCFF: im just high ('cause that makes it all better, right? WTF?)

Me: Good for you, totally valid excuse. Glad you find me hot, and thanks for the compliment. That is not what I'm looking for. Have a nice day.

RCFF: okie. bye.

Moments that make you go hmm...

Sunday night, and I find myself in line at the grocery store. On the conveyor belt in front of me, an 8 pack of AA batteries and a bottle of water.

Behind the register, a man with an interesting look on his face...

Weenie Ride

Yeah, I got nothing tonight. Instead, I leave you with this gem of a song.

Definitely NSFW.

Listen to the words. I promise, you'll thank me.