Sex 101: Where Babies Come From

Years ago, I had my tonsils taken out. At the time, I lived on a military base and was scheduled for surgery at the on-base Naval Hospital.

A friend came to stay with me in the event of complications. She drove and waited with me in the private room as I was getting ready (read: baring my ass in a cheap hospital gown and sexy non-skid hospital socks).

Soon after I was dressed, the nurse came and asked that I go pee in a cup to prove I wasn't pregnant before they could OK putting me under general anesthesia.

I naively remarked that my significant other had been gone for many, many months. I highly doubt I am the next Virgin Mary (a little too late for that). Whatever immaculate conception I might have would probably bring about the apocalypse.

He laughed. Why are you laughing, good sir? I asked. I probably left out the "good sir" bit though. I always like to imagine myself in the best possible, most mannerly light even though I probably swear more than Lisa Lampanelli and Andrew Dice Clay's imaginary love child.

Goddammit, motherfucker! I don't want to piss in a cup, asshole!

The nurse explained that he once was stationed on a ship. About five months into his deployment, one of the guys suddenly started passing out cigars and telling all his cronies that he was a daddy. His wife was officially four months along. Keep in mind the wife was on base the entire time husband was deployed overseas.

Say what?

So....you've been gone for five months. And now your wife is four months pregnant. Something's not adding up, dude.

It turns out the young, misguided soldier was under the impression that sperm doesn't die.

He thought he could jerk off into a plastic baggie and then MAIL THAT SHIT ACROSS THE PACIFIC OCEAN. Once it arrived safely, likely smelling like death and wet dog, the loving wife would of course somehow inject this loving gift into herself and conceive (I imagine a turkey baster works best for this kind of self-marination).

Poor abused turkey baster.

Holy COW are those strong swimmers, man. They must look like THIS dude:

Or we could go with the more likely option - your wife is a tiny bit smarter than you. She figured out you'd buy her story about sperm-in-a-bag impregnation and that she could shack up with someone else without worrying about whether she'd have to deal with that nasty if-I-get-pregnant-I'm-screwed scenario.

Of course, the nurse informed the confused young man that his chosen method of procreation doesn't really work, and that there was a strong likelihood he was not the father based on the dates of conception and deployment.

And that, my friends, is where babies come from. It's the new Dick in a Box: Sperm in a Bag!

Step 1: Open a plastic bag

Step 2: Put your jizz in that bag

Step 3: Make her open that bag

Step 4 (optional): Also, include a turkey baster.