Why I hate porn.

Porn is fun to watch, especially with a partner. It can help you get your rocks off, or it can give you naughty ideas and tricks to try for your next sack session.

I just have one problem with porn. Most of it is SO unrealistic.

Come on, guys. You really expect your woman to get off as soon as you're inside her? All that's really going through her mind is this:

I'll be a screaming rage monster if it's over in two seconds. This guy knows what's up.

Image via Flickr: Rob Boudon

Women don't have obvious buttons like penises and balls. Locating the clit takes a little work on your part, even if she points it out to you. And then there's the fact that every woman likes to be touched in a different way.

I'll draw a parallel so you'll be sure to get what I'm talking about:

Some of you guys like teeth-on-dick. Some of you like a firm tug on the balls. Some of you like a little backdoor action. Some of you are OH GOD GET THAT AWAY FROM MY ASS.

The backdoor is no place for tourists. Locals only, por favor.

Image via Flickr: Jen SFO-BCN

So no, I don't think you should fall for that misleading trick in porn that makes any man believe he's an orgasm-inducing stud so long as his equipment's the right size.

Speaking of misleading tactics: that head-bobbing side-to-side thing they do in porn where they go down on women and then just rub their ENTIRE FUCKING FACE in a woman's cooch? I think I've made it clear how much I HATE THAT.  I mean, WTF? If you had the right spot on me, had a good rhythm going, I moan, "don't stop" and you decide to spice things up with that little head-bob, don't be surprised if I bitch slap you and finish myself off.

And another thing. Orgasms are not NEARLY as pretty as those actors make them out to be.

Case in point.

Image via Flickr: greggoconnell

I'm willing to bet that if you got yourself off in front of a mirror, you'd look much more like the guy above than your favorite porn star. Really, I think you should try it! Don't think about how you look. Just masturbate up until the point of no return, and only sneak a peek at yourself a split second before you splooge.

The "O" face is NOT attractive, and it's not meant to be. Seriously. If you're focused on how you look during sex, how can you POSSIBLY enjoy it?

So, to sum:

Women do NOT get off in 30 seconds.

Sex is ugly. Get used to it. Focus on the sensations and have a good time. That's pretty much the point, right?

We are not porn stars, and we shouldn't try to be. Yeah, they're actually having sex on screen, but they're still actors. I sure as hell don't want an actor in MY bed. I prefer real sex with real people, even if it means stupid "O" faces.