Move On, Mom and Dad (MOMAD): Adventures in (bikini waxing for) dating

I started writing this back before C and I went up in flames. Believe me, good sex is the ONLY reason I'd go through this amount of pain.

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Years ago before memes existed, there were chain emails. One I saw over and over was one about a woman trying to wax her bikini area for the first time. If you're a dude, you're cringing. If you're a chick, you're cringing AND laughing your ass off.

I've tried this at home with various kits. I've also gone to an aesthetician and had it done professionally. NEVER have I had the awful experience the anonymous would-be waxer did. Then came yesterday.

The hilarity started when I agreed to go on a date with two different guys the same weekend. I had a set date on Sunday with my fuck buddy C. Per my preference for exclusivity, I knew I wouldn't be boning Mr. Saturday Night. I decided to prepare myself for C and our Sunday night rendez-vous before my Saturday date so that I'd have time to heal.

Saturday afternoon, I went to a beauty supply store to pick out the perfect kit.

I wound up choosing honey wax over all the other varieties. Cold wax is too difficult to heat without burning off your nether regions. Regular wax is too messy and gets everywhere. I mean it. Little stringy bits of wax will somehow work themselves into your hair and random strangers will be picking bits off your clothes days later.

Honey wax heats easily, and while still fairly messy, is relatively easy to handle, minimizing the risk of feeling like you have just poured burning hot lava all over your girl bits.

Everything started out well enough.

Heat wax to proper consistency? Check.

Line bathroom with paper towels? Check.

Music and strategically placed mirror? Check.

All that's left to do is do a little below-the-belt cleaning and then we can get this show on the road!

I apply the included cleaning gel to my skin. By cleaning gel, I'm fairly sure the manufacturer meant alcohol-based antibacterial gel. That shit burns. Coincidentally, it also makes you dance around like a moron as you try to escape the rapid cooling-burning sensation that's taking over your hoo-ha.

Soon enough, I feel like I'm ready to go. I sit down in front of my strategically placed mirror and turn on the tunes.

The first areas to get done are around my bikini area (read: easily reached). Riiiiiiiiiiiiip. Hey, not nearly as bad as I remember! Riiiiiiiiiiiip. Oh, I totally got this. No big deal.

THEN we get to the more sensitive girly regions. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip. HOLY HELL! I think I just somehow pulled a child out of my womb, that hurt so bad!

Oh well, no pain no gain, right? Also, it would look fairly retarded if I quit now. I'd be all "welcome to the jungle" on one side and baby smooth on the other. Even Cruella de Ville had a full head of hair with that half-n-half thing she's got going on.

I steel myself. Pain is temporary. Silky smoothness is good for at least a month.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiip. JESUS, I just pulled out a twin. The fuck!?

I examine the goods in the mirror. There appears to be some wax clinging to the skin, but the hair is gone. Okie dokie...we'll take care of this little problem when I hop in the shower to wash off.

Finally, we get to the tricky part -- the posterior. For those of you with a limited vocab, by posterior I mean ass cheeks.

Obviously this presents some difficulty. I have to bend in an awkward pretzel pose while staring at my bunghole in a mirror and trying to aim this waxy stick/ripping strip. I somehow manage to get the strip placed correctly and Riiiiiiiiiiiiiip.

Tears. Holy hell. WTF.
I still see wax.

Let's try the other side and then come back to it. Riiiiiiiiiiip.  
JUST AS BAD OMG THAT FUCKING HURT.
I still see wax. Now on both ass cheeks.

Then I make a fundamental mistake that you never have to think about with cold wax, which would have hardened by now. I sat up. Now, if you're not aware of the specific muscles that help you sit up, you may have forgotten that one of the first things to happen is the flexing of your gluteal muscles.

Yes. My ass cheeks are now stuck together.

Then I stand up. Remember there was wax elsewhere? Now my girl parts AND my ass cheeks are stuck together.

By this point, I'm done. NO MORE RIPPING. Time to shower all this goop off.

Only this is honey wax. There will be no washing off. The wax will come off in clumps and get EVERYWHERE. Your feet will stick to the bathtub. Your hands will stick to the wall, your hair, your body. Your nether regions will STILL be stuck when you get out of the shower.

My solution? Get dressed. Now my underwear are stuck to my ass.

I no longer care. So long as I'm not bleeding or missing skin, all systems are go. And we are DEFINITELY NOT getting laid tonight. At least if he's hot, I won't be tempted to sleep with him AT ALL. Stuck-together lady bits = not sexy.

And that's how I wound up walking around on a date with my panties literally stuck to my ass.